Something has to give. I’m loving sobriety and it’s bringing me lots and lots of good things but it’s also presented me with a somewhat unexpected little gift: my job doesn’t motivate me. It wasn’t a hard job to do when I was drinking, so with my mind fuzz-free and physically full of energy it’s become really obvious that it bores me silly. It’s actually getting me in a bit of a bad mood, some tasks I think of as a waste of time and I don’t like this new, bad attitude of mine – where did that come from? Just do it Sophie, it’s up to your bosses what you’re spending the time they’re paying you for on and so why does it even matter!! And I never took this job because it was a passion of mine, I took it as a side line to writing and making jewellery, so I can’t say I ever thought of it as OH YEAH! But I always appreciated for what it was – I work for nice people, in a nice place and not once have I dreaded coming to work. Yes, there are things I enjoy less, but overall it’s a pretty easy ride with just enough to keep me occupied. Never have I had to think about work after I’ve driven out of the gates. My response to hubby when he asks how my day was is always “fine”. It’s always been fine. Fine, fine, fine. I honestly don’t have anything to complain about because there is nothing wrong with it per se. Well, other than the fact that I’m totally bored.
I didn’t start writing to find answers but weirdly one was given to me anyway. It’s right there in the last sentence – “I’m totally bored“.
I’m very bad at patience and planning so my natural instinct would be to chuck it in and worry later. I’ve done that several times in the past, even when I was a single mother and didn’t have as much as a bean in my bank account. It always worked out though, like I knew it would. I do also recognise how risky that strategy was. I’m just so bad at sticking with something that just doesn’t provide even the tiniest sliver of satisfaction. And it really doesn’t. Or maybe I’m just a grouch bag today, I don’t know. No, that’s not it, because I woke up sober, which equals super happy – no hangover, yay! – and with the added excitement that hubby is coming back tonight after a work trip. Only a short one again, but still. Anyway, it’s not my mood. My mood started when I got here, it’s being here and feeling it’s a waste of good energy that has me feeling ratty.
So I need to get my arse in gear because at the moment there’s a lot of talk and very little icehockey, as we say in Sweden. I can’t just sit here and drone on about what I want and just expect it to fall into my lap with me not lifting a finger. If I don’t want to keep doing a job that I find dull, then what do I want? I’ve tried the give-up-work-and-pursue-a-dream thing – sure, I did get a lot of writing done, but nowhere near as much as I should have and I just discovered that lots of time on my hands did NOT bring out the fire in me. Hmm…. Willow said something about routine and how she needs it. Sounds about right. I’m not so good at being a free agent I don’t think. And anyway, the writing is the dream to be pursued and I still hold hope that I’ll pull it off one day but in the meantime I want to have an income. Need to have an income, given I don’t feel I have a valid argument to illustrate to hubby why I should be a housewife. And having to ask for money is also a huge putter-offer for me, because even though I know I always can and hubby would never make me feel bad about it I bloody HATE it.
It’s staring me in the face, really. It’s time to get a little web shop set up on Etsy and chuck things on there. I have six pendants to finish off at home. No, seven. Actually, it’s eight but I’m not sure I can make the silver blob one pretty. Nah, that one will have to meet its maker the blow torch again. Anyway. Jeez, Soph, shut the fuck up. And get a bunch to the boutique on the high street that said they’d be happy to put some necklaces on display. JUST DO IT, SOPHIE! I finished off a little experimental necklace yesterday, a small silver ring with a gold hoop and a gold tube that holds a green topaz. Because it’s unevenly filed, it’s heaviest point when it’s worn isn’t where the stone is so he stone ends up to the side which came from imperfection but what I love about it the most. I actually want to keep it but I already gave in to keeping the earrings so need to stop being silly. Oh, and I’ve kept one necklace too.
Ah, how nice, a little plan coming together! I need a name though. I kind of want something to do with sobriety. Hah! I suppose it’s no coincidence that I blog I had for a while had wine in the title. See how grown up and sensible I’m being! Anyway, I’m going to park that for a moment because I’m doing it again – I’m losing the thread! I set this blog up to write about sobriety, not precious metals. Do I combine the two? Drinking and blow torches don’t tend to go well together as you can imagine, but perhaps I can make jewellery to reflect being sober? I did come up with another accidental design, a ring with a tube setting that went completely wrong and in it’s place holding the ring together I soldered a gold ‘stitch’. Maybe that’s it? I have made a few rings with the same idea, i.e. a small gold stitch incorporated. And the necklaces I’m finishing off today all have the gold loops. What do I call it? Stitches? In Stitches? No, that’s a bit naff. Something, in any case, about how a little stitch holds everything together. OK, I’m going to get back to that later because even when I’m trying to steer back to the very purpose of this blog – sobriety – I end up even further away from it.
So yes, I’m sober and it’s been just over seven weeks. I don’t know what to say except I feel so good! It’s like waking up from a long sleep and discover everything is back to normal again. I feel like myself again and yet it’s strangely new, this waking up and feeling so amazing EVERY SINGLE DAY! Had a long chat with Willow which was really good as I was dying to pick her brain about all things AA that I’ve been thinking about. I felt with my sponsor it was not acceptable to question anything so I was full of things I wanted to ask. Is everything clearer? Yes, actually, a lot of things are. And I definitely feel AA is a very good thing – over all and for me. I think a lot of people would benefit massively from AA meetings. I’d just rename it to APA, which means monkey in Swedish but is short for Any Problem Anonymous. It’s such a healthy set up that I’m actually amazed no one has yet copied it for the well being of the wider masses!
What better way if you ever feel out of sorts than be amongst people who are ready to smile at you, welcome you, hug you and offer their time to you should you ever need to talk! And if you need to get something off your chest you are allowed the floor so long as you want it with no one interrupting. If people comment on what you say once you have finished, it’s the positives they point out, the things that they particularly liked or related to. So it’s a fool proof little happiness injection right there! I don’t think it’s possible to go to an AA meeting and walk away feeling sad. Well, maybe it is but you can be sure people will immediately be there for you and you tell me if that’d happen to you if you burst out in tears on the tube! At best, some kind individual might offer you a tissue. Really.
For me right now, AA is an invaluable tool to keep me sober. I still, stubbornly perhaps, believe that come hell or Higher Powers (see what I did there?) my wish to stay sober and any strength to do so has to come from ME. Of course, I don’t believe strength is needed to be sober any more than I needed it to drink, but that’s neither here nor there. The meetings are good because it keeps me focused on this thing and regardless of whether I sometimes walk away from a meeting wondering how some people survive at ALL when everything is so goddamn bleak, most of the time I walk away with things to think about and perhaps even the occasional revelation. ‘Tis good.
As for the things that don’t yet work for me, perhaps it’s just a case of not getting it yet? Perhaps one day a light bulb will appear but until then I will focus on what does work for me and not focus on the bits that don’t.