Two blog posts in a day! Well, this was actually what I was going to write before but got side tracked and caught up in what it’s like to truly feel all my emotions. I suppose this relates to that, because I’m going to show you something really, really ugly. I’m going to show you the very opposite of feeling emotions. It’s me and I’m in black-out. Here it is:
It’s a few years ago with my friend L. In a way it’d be better if you saw her face, not only because she is beautiful but because you can still see a person in her eyes. Her eyes are glittery and sure, she’s also being a bit drunk here, but she’s not blank in the way that I am here. There’s nothing in my gaze – can you see it? I look at this and it makes me want to cry. Look at that poor woman. I feel so sorry for her. I have no recollection of this taxi journey and not only because some years have passed, I know I didn’t remember any of it because I was in full on Beer Fear mode the next day and what I do clearly remember is the shame I felt. Not in case I’d said or done something stupid (as usual) but because I’d allowed myself to get full on Anna drunk in front of not just my friend L and her then-boyfriend-now-husband J but also my sister-in-law M too. Like they hadn’t seen it before and like I’d had a choice – I’m a goner with the first drink and I guess this was no different.
So whilst I’m having a crappy, shitty, horrible, stupid week, I may as well direct some sadness where it’s due: to that sad, sad drunk in the picture with the glazed over eyes that can’t focus. Someone who is a smart and kind woman but here is robbed of everything and is stripped and torn right down to a tragic state where she’s a lolling fool. I can barely look at it. She’s also a mum. Right about here she has a son who is six years old. That’s his mum right there.
In this photos I’m not feeling any real emotions. Whatever I do feel – and who knows, because that moment is lost to black-out – during this taxi ride is either amplified or numbed by booze. My eyes are empty and so am I. I’ve seen one other photo of myself in black-out and it’s the same empty stare. And I think it perfectly illustrates what alcohol does to me – it destroys everything that is me. It removes me from my life and changes me. Can you see it? Not that you have much to compare with as you don’t know me, but I think the empty eyes are blatantly obvious. It’s so ugly. Alcohol is evil. Or how I react to it, rather. Plenty of people, like my friend L for example whose eyes are not at all empty in this photo, who can handle it. But I can’t. Never have and never will.
I just wanted to show you that sorry little drunk. I feel so bad for her and it breaks my heart to know this is me.
Today I’m not going to drink.