Well, thank God for that – I can’t say last night was the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had but it was a vast improvement given the previous two and I am starting to feel like myself again. I think we’re all set for our hike tomorrow and I’m really looking forward to walking along the south coast and across the Seven Sisters with hubby. We’re also over the last hump with Bambino and the explosion we had, but I guess I have to be a realist on that score and make my peace with the fact that he’s a teenager and we in all likelihood have the worst storms still ahead of us. If I can manage to ride those out without losing control each time, I’m sure we’ll emerge on the other side with just the average amount of wounds you can expect from the teenage years.
Funny. I spoke with my dad, who happened to call me on Hurricane Night, when I sat on the sofa exhausted after the explosive row I had with my son. I chuckled and told him I don’t know how he survived my teenage years (given my son is a carbon copy of his mother inside and out and my poor father had to endure me) and I actually asked him how he even got through it. Dad laughed, possibly enjoying this delightful little case of Karma. When I later spoke with Bambino, I apologised for losing my cool like that and told him I felt awful that I hadn’t managed to stay calm. I also told him that my own parents never lost it like that, and in the moment that was truthful – I couldn’t remember a single instance when they went nuts the way I did just then. And it turns out it was my brain playing tricks on me again, because when I thought about it more, old memories started to emerge from the depths of my mind where they’d been buried. Because we had hurricanes too. Lots of them.
The time my dad shouted at me so much my uncle kept telling him to stop because the stuff he was yelling at me was too much and too far – yes, he lost it. 100%. (I’d failed to come home at the agreed time and he turned up furious at my then boyfriend’s house to get me home – I swear he was frothing at the mouth). The time my mum slapped me across the face and her heartbroken expression a micro second later – yep, she lost it. 110% you might say, and I think if I ever brought it up she would be mortified. I’d imagine she still feels that slap burning her hand and feels awful about it. (I’d sneaked out and had a cigarette and then lied straight to her face when she confronted me). And here we are now, almost 30 years later and it’s me who’s the parent to a young teenager and when I think of those times my own parents lost control I can totally see why. It’s just that I’d forgotten that they ever did. I’d forgotten, now that I have them both on pedestals and beat myself up when I don’t get it right, that they fucked up too. Just as we all do. It’s never going to be OK to lose control like that, but I’m going to try not to be so hard on myself. Or at the very least stop making myself believe all other parents do it all much better.
And drinking? Nope, still sober. But then I’ve had a shitty week and even when I was drinking I feel like it less when I’m down so in terms of sobriety this week has been plain sailing. 164 days sober, they’re adding up! Like it.
It’s unbearably hot at the moment, and even though my office is probably the coolest room in the house it’s still uncomfortable. I can’t wait to be done for today, end this week, get home and start the weekend. Bambino has one of his stepbrothers over to keep him company (and ensure the house doesn’t burn down) as hubby and I will be heading off down to Brighton for our hike at 6am. We need to get there for about 7.30am to park, register and then we’re off! The downside is we’ll be missing the football – Sweden are playing England tomorrow and as much as it’d shred my nerves to watch the game, it’s a bit of a bummer we’ll miss it. Going to see if we can listen to it en route perhaps, or at least parts of it. Or get someone to text us the scores. Or we just don’t give a fuck about any of that and keep our phones tucked away and enjoy an amazing day trekking along the beautiful south coast of England. Just a thought!
So here’s to hoping I’ll get a good night’s sleep and that there’ll be a nice breeze tomorrow as it’s tiring just sitting in front of a computer in this heat…..
Adieu to this crappy week now. Have a wonderful weekend wherever you are.
Today I’m not going to drink.