169 Days

It would seem my patch of bad sleep is over, thank God, and I am back to where sobriety almost immediately took me and have slept soundly. Phew! Because my drinking went on for as long as it did it’s actually quite tricky at times to ascertain what it is I’m feeling and where it comes from, almost like I’m getting to know myself all over again. Low moods and anxiety therefore scare me a little. One of my closest friends, Lopez, has suffered depression for years and I also know other people fighting the same battle so it did frighten me when I suddenly felt anxious and “off” last week – my antenna immediately extended to detect if there were rational reasons or if it might just come from within. I.e. when am I just being a stress head and when is it perhaps something a bit more than that? How do you know if you’re just, say, sensitive to hormonal fluctuations or if it’s a little more sinister? Perhaps I’m analysing everything I feel a little too keenly, but there we are – some of this is new and even when it isn’t positive I’m actually finding it to be a good experience to feel everything just the way it is without the numbing and lowering effect of alcohol. We are having a busy summer and our main holidays are just around the corner now, so maybe there’s more than usual whirring around in my mind.

My hips took a day or two to recover and now there are no aches or pains left to remind me of our marathon hike so I’ll be pulling on my trainers this afternoon and then see what a brisk walk around the park might feel like.

Nope, I have nothing interesting to say today. Slept well, feel good and the sun will set in the west as usual.

Today I’m not going to drink.

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