Choke Holds and Limitations

Phew – I think I’m nearly there now. I was really nervous this time because it was all stacked against me: home alone, a great mood, feeling awesome mentally and physically too, and two days off which meant the nights before would have been an “excellent” time to chug wine. And I didn’t. I fucking didn’t. I’m so relieved I feel a little tearful, actually. Cherokee checked in on me last night and like I said to her on the message string, it’s absolutely terrifying how my alcoholic brain still has a grip on me. And it’s not a loose grip either, it’s a choke hold and claws that tear into my throat. What’s terrifying is that I know there are only shitty consequences to drinking, and what’s more, it brings nothing positive with it. Beyond that, I don’t actually want to!! I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to sit home alone completely hammered and I certainly don’t want to ruin this sober life I am building for myself. How is it, that this awful thing that I know would kill me, still is something I have to be so weary of? But in a way this is probably a good thing, that I keep this awareness and my wits about me, that I accept I’ll never be completely safe.

Have another session with the lovely Dimples today, which I’m sure will be worse than the hottest part of hell given I’m achy from the session two days ago but I’m looking forward to it. Working out feels really good. At the time, I get to several points during the workouts when I genuinely think I’m just going to have to give up, but then Dimples magically manages to push me and afterwards I feel like a super woman. Oh, I know – a personal trainer is indulgent on a grand scale but I can tell you right now that had I joined a gym and gone solo it would have been a maiden voyage and nothing beyond. With Dimples I have the luxury of her telling and showing me what to do, combined with her expertise in how to build a good gym session. Being faced with gym facilities without this would have been pointless. Plus, had I been in a gym on my own doing the circuits Dimples put me through last time I would have packed it in after the two. I certainly wouldn’t have attempted that shit storm called burpees more than the once, that’s for sure. So it’s an education for me, pushing beyond my self perceived limitations. This is what I needed to discover – how to put myself through my paces and stretch beyond where my body might start to complain.

I am desperately unfit though and my impatient nature does mean I half expect (oh, who am I kidding – I completely expected it!!) to see significant results after just three sessions, but life is now teaching me a whole new approach. Sobriety and fitness are similar in that respect – neither is easy (or quick), but if I keep at it my life will be rich beyond my dreams and the results will be amazing. I just can’t snap my fingers, do the plank for half a minute and expect that to be all the work that was required. And as much as I do enviously glance at Dimples and note how toned and fit she is, I also remind myself that she works at it. Perhaps she is one of those fortunate people who gets a lot for free, but her arms don’t look the way they do because she sits on her arse all day. And she doesn’t have good skin because she chain smokes either. Dimples is toned and fit and healthy because she works at it and takes care of herself so how in God’s name could I expect to, after half a life time of smoking and heavy drinking, rock up for a training session and walk out an hour later looking like Dimples? This will, like sobriety, require my commitment and lots of dedication. And I owe this to myself.

But here we are and there was something I very nearly forgot – yesterday was my 7 months anniversary. Well, 7 with a little slip, let’s keep this honest shall we? My slip was just before my 6 months and it pisses me off, but there is always a lesson and I suppose it just really showed me (once again) how alcohol does absolutely nothing for me. This week was a little scary but I think I just need to sometimes also give myself a little credit and recognise that I can actually do this. I can’t master burpees yet, but I will hopefully get to a point where I can get my body to obey there too.

I’ve got this. So tell me, when do you feel fearful of the Beast getting to you? Do you ever end up in the sort of perfect storm that two nights this week presented me with? I.e. your combination of triggers thrown at you all at once? I’d love to know.

Today I’m not going to drink.

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