Friday, Friday, Friday! Unfortunately it seems the fog is clearing up, although you’re probably wondering what kind of ridiculous lame ass twit would be excited about fog. Me! I’m excited about fog! I freaking love fog in the autumn. Combined by yellowing leaves it makes everything look and feel so eerie. But then I live right by a huge park full of fallow deer that I run through in the evenings and drive through in the mornings and today it was magical – thick fog through which you could see the huge antlers of the huge bucks, the proud silhouettes gently swaying with bursts of frequently moving faster as they bellowed at the females and chased them around. It’s mating season and I think they’re all going a little crazy. Last night on my run I had music on full blast in my ear phones and as I ran through the ferns I heard a noise through the music that made me think it must have been a low flying aircraft, but as I turned to my left I saw a massive buck just 50 metres away, tilting his head back and calling for the chicks to get it on with him. It’s quite a scary sound, aggressive and desperate at the same time. Made me run a tiny bit faster there for a second, something I didn’t do gladly as yesterday’s run wasn’t nice at all.
It’s those pesky middle gears again, see? This is what sobriety is teaching me every so often – it’s not all crazy highs and devastating lows, there’s a vast spectrum in that space I used to think of as the grey, old, boring middle. Getting fit now that I’m not rendered useless by horrific hangovers that make even getting out of bed a humongous test of determination, I’ve had to work at it and although recently it’s started to feel really good I also have those work-outs or runs when it’s just ….blah. And yesterday’s run was all about the blah. 40 minutes of running, 40 minutes of blah and not even Chaka Khan’s ‘Like Sugar’ (my favourite running track) could perk me up or put more spring into my heavy strides.
Hang on though…. 40 minutes?? Yep, this is what I can now do! Can you believe it? I fucking can’t but Chaka Khan has been a huge help – a heavy bass and solid beats is all I need! Just a month or so ago I was struggling to wobble along for even five minutes, see how it builds up! Much faster and way more rewarding than increasing your tolerance to booze, eh! So in recent weeks I’ve finally reached that point where torture has turned into pleasure. I’ve gone for runs and discovered it feels absolutely amazing and I feel strong, my feet pounding the pavement and I feel like superwoman. And then you have other times, like yesterday, when I get to the other end of the park and all I do is focus on getting through it and not enjoying it at all, just want it to be over with. And that’s cool. Life’s like that. It can’t be New Year’s Eve every damn day, and if it was we’d soon get bored of fireworks anyway. I’m learning to like it.
Don’t get me wrong – I am all about the highs and the lows and I will always be Anna, meaning I’ll probably always be someone who feels everything strongly, but I’m really liking this balance sobriety has brought with it. There’s room now in my life for those middle gears too. It’s peaceful. Calm. Oh my God, I’m gonna say it – I’m going to fucking say it!!! It’s SERENE.
Today I’m not going to drink.