Ah, it’s one of those times when I feel I want to have something really important, insightful and well thought out to say. You know, like I already think about my one year soberversary even though I’m still three days away from 11 months and really shouldn’t focus on much beyond this very day when it comes to my sobriety. That’s me though, I always count my chickens well before they hatch. But OK, let’s slow down a little and go with this new way of life I’ve – in spite of myself – have begun to quite like since I ditched the booze: the middle gears. Not always and not fully, but my existence isn’t just filled with extremes now, and instead of only mountains high, valleys low, I now also enjoy what someone once called the gentle rollers. I guess to my own mind I’m in a pretty solid place right now when it comes to sobriety. Make no mistake – I don’t consider myself “cured” or “done with it” or anything like that! I’m just saying that at the 11 month mark I feel I’m in as great a place as I could be and this freedom hinges on me always remembering the road that lead me here and how little it’d take to send me right back to where I started. No thanks!
Christmas is just around the corner and so like over our summer holiday I suspect Storm will be a little quiet until we return from Sweden in the new year. Like when we went to Italy and pictured myself sitting on our sea view balcony blogging, I always imagine writing when we’re in Sweden but I know we’ll be rushing around all over the place like blue-arsed flies. I’ll be lucky if I get to go to the toilet in peace to be honest.
This is my first sober Christmas. I don’t feel it’s that big a deal, to be honest. My family aren’t big drinkers and besides, being around people who drink doesn’t bother me in the slightest anyway. Is that weird? I honestly feel no temptation but I also know that it’s in the small, unguarded moments I’m probably more likely to be vulnerable. Plus, Christmas is of course a time you spend surrounded by friends and family and all of mine know the score so it’d be incredibly difficult for me even if I did suddenly decide to do a u-turn. No, Christmas feels very safe, thankfully!
Genuinely though, being around people who drink hasn’t bothered me much at all. Last night hubby had a couple of glasses of wine. The only thing that actually made me go HUH? was when I offered to fill his glass up as I was getting something from the kitchen. Hubby told me “nah, I’m good“. Two glasses of wine, not even big ones. How in the holiest of fuckery-fuck-fucks do people do that? What a freak!! I feel like filming him as you would a rare animal for a documentary:
“Here we see the moderate drinker in his own habitat, we move quietly to get closer to him and get a good shot. He has had two glasses of wine but declines a third. We are watching closely for stress signals but he seems calm and at peace. This is such an extraordinary phenomenon, one of nature’s great mysteries captured up close, very exciting! Alcoholics have been studied this species for centuries yet we are no closer to understanding its secrets. Oh! Shh! The moderate drinker is slowly getting up. What will he do? Wow, are you seeing what I’m seeing? This is truly a unique moment to observe him. He has got himself a glass of water, having walked past the fridge containing the open wine bottle. Can you believe it? What a magnificent and fascinating creature, truly one of Mother Nature’s most enigmatic conundrums in action!“
May your Christmas be very merry and full of love, joy and peace. Don’t let the love you feel stay trapped inside – say those words, give those hugs and do those little things that will let someone know you truly care even if it’s something as small as a smile. Oh God, I’ve gone all love and light again, what’s happening to me?! Go on, spread a little love, the world needs it. And the world needs YOU, so never doubt the decision: stay sober. If you falter, reach out. If you fall, shout for someone to help you get back up. Then quit wearing dress shoes in the snow, you fucking numpty, and get a good pair of boots! (I mean, what next – trying to control your drinking? We tried that, remember? Oh, how we laughed and laughed). Whatever it takes, buddy – find your way and know you’re not alone.
Take good care and see you in 2019.
Today I’m not going to drink.