Knee Jerk Reactions and Silver Linings

Eek. Well, that made my stomach turn into a huge knot, that’s for sure. However, given I’m sober it didn’t knock me anywhere NEAR as much as it would have had I still been drinking. I must have mentioned I’m in a job I made a huge mess of. OK, not perhaps “huge” mess, but the first two years I was eyeball deep in addiction and when I got sober I haven’t tidied it up – something that should have happened but hasn’t. I have no excuses, I messed up. And so when I cocked up yet another thing, one of my bosses finally got cross with me. Ironically it’s one of the few things I’d actually tried my best with but I can see I’ve got it wrong, so when you take into account my lacklustre performance overall, she’s right to be fuming. We’re having “a chat” (read: “Anna, this is why I’m firing you”) tomorrow because she was too angry to speak to me today, saying it wouldn’t be constructive if she did. In other words, she was too wound up to even shout at me. Pretty bad.

You know, the first part I can explain. The fact that I managed to do anything at all those first two years I was with them (the last two years of my drinking) is a small miracle. The second part is what it is though and there are no excuses for that one. I’ve had plenty of time to clear this mess up. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not disastrous or anything, more that everything is sloppily done, not followed through, no attention to detail. It’s insane really because those things I’m actually good at. I freaking LOVE detail, for God’s sake! Perhaps it seemed like I’d dug myself in too deep a pit to get myself out, I don’t know. I fucked this up, simple as that and when I had ample opportunity to get my shit together I just didn’t. In my mind I’d already checked out and this year has quite literally been a case of just sitting this out until I reach my one year sober (next Wednesday, yay) and can begin volunteering and getting some hours at the rehab I’m in touch with. I’m not proud of it but that’s all there is to it. Yes, it’s my damn responsibility to do the job I’m paid to do to the best of my ability. Did I? No. It’s shitty, it’s entirely my own fault and I’m going to be totally frank with Boss Lady tomorrow. No excuses. Time to bite the bullet.

Apart from getting fired, things are good!

Let’s stick with that yucky part though. I’m not going to lie, I felt sick (as well as taken aback as I wasn’t expecting it) when Boss Lady came in saying she was angry. Sick and when I got back to my desk even a little shaky. Well, being the reason someone is pissed off is never nice and any way you look at it I’m sensitive as fuck. Anyway, it didn’t take many minutes to calmly establish that I had this coming and I suppose it’s the kick up the backside I need. I’ve been treading water when it comes to the job. My focus has been on getting sober and what lies ahead, not what was on my list of responsibilities here and now. Unfortunately. It is what it is. Gosh, I’m trying so hard to not make excuses here so let’s just spell it out: I’ve been a little shit bag. Done a terrible job. Rested on my laurels. Now it’s time to get into gear.

Sobriety is cool because it allows me to be calm and rational. I’ve dropped the rehab a line to remind them I’m all theirs from next week in terms of hitting one year sober and getting on with volunteering. I also pointed out that in an ideal world I’d want paid hours just so they know I’m not just doing this to tick off “charitable actions” on my to-do list but actually very serious about getting into this field. Sobriety and being at my full wits in combination means I don’t feel so bad. Boss Lady getting annoyed with me would have taken up all my focus and totally devastated me had it been back when I was drinking. Sober I suppose I can see it for what it is and not be so panicked or horrified by it. I can’t change stuff that’s already come and gone, but I can choose how I deal with it and move forward. And sitting this out, as much as it’s allowed me to focus on getting sober, was perhaps a mistake as it’s going to be soul destroying for anyone to be in a job you could do in your sleep. That’s perhaps the most ridiculous part in all of this – there’s nothing about it that stretches or challenges me, and so doing it well wouldn’t have required much effort anyway. Well, there we are and time to get serious now.

Drunk Me would have been stressed out of her mind just about now, created a big drama and had at least half a dozen knee jerk reactions. Sober Me, not so much. This was coming all along and it was only a matter of who’d be the first to take the initiative – me or my bosses. I guess for the purposes of this sober blog, that’s the bit to really highlight. When we’re sober we can calmly deal with slightly unpleasant situations and find solutions – even silver linings! OK, so I can’t exactly say I’m looking forward to tomorrow but at the same time it’ll be good to have it over with – it’s been hanging over me for nearly a year. Not good for anyone. It’s the kick up the backside that I need. I said it myself, didn’t I? 2018 was the year I got sober, 2019 is the year to get serious and maybe I needed a little nudge. I mean, if I look back over how things are falling into place, this is just yet another piece that is slotting in nicely. It’s all happening for a reason.

Note to self: you’ve been a bit of a dick, Anna. Sort yourself out.

Today I’m not going to drink.

14 thoughts on “Knee Jerk Reactions and Silver Linings

  1. Everything happens for a reason … I’m a firm believer in that. And this is your year! Great things will come from this. If I was in your shoes, I’d take a tiny bunch of flowers, put your hands in the air and say, “You’re absolutely right and I cannot begin to tell you how terrible I feel about making you feel let down/angry/pissed off, you have absolutely every right.” It’s quite hard to argue and verbally attack someone when they are agreeing with you. I do think that often we grow so close to someone … that they are our safe place, like a family member is, and quite often those are the ones that we treat the worst because we know (think) that we can, because they will love us despite everything. Try not to worry is a fairly crap thing to say, but honestly, by tomorrow night everything will be clear and you can make some exciting decisions as to the future. Am always here for you. Katie xxxx

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  2. Having been in that situation before, and realizing every situation is very different, I would wait to sit down with your boss and listen. I know you won’t cop a pity plea, since she won’t care. She is responsible for a business, not a hospital. But you now know the value of honesty when honesty is desperately needed. So try that with her for a change.

    And of course, you’re always in my prayers. Love to you, kiddo.

    greg

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  3. Hug. It is hard to hear criticism, even if we know it is true.
    It sounds like you understand what’s going on and that you are not refusing to take on your part or deflecting blame. That is very self aware and adult.
    Take care of yourself. Be gentle. You have made a huge change, and sometimes things take time to settle.
    Anne

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    • Thank you. I actually think of this a little bit as a residual consequence of my drinking. And because I didn’t take the chance when I had it to put things right, this situation is entirely of my own doing and so now here we are. Probably because I’m sober I don’t feel full of self pity or despair, just quite level headed and “OK, now let’s deal with it”. It will all come right and even though this could have happened in a nicer way, this is a necessary step. Big hugs back – I appreciate your comments and advice. xx

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  4. I haven’t caught up with you yet nor replied to your email but I really, really hope today went okay. I think the best part about this is the fact that you got knocked down and then you got back up and sent that email. I sort of wonder if I would be going in and telling the whole story because I don’t know if it’s all their business to be honest. Unless you are intending to give your notice straight away?? Either way I am still so freakin proud of you!!! Don’t ever forget that and here right now I am so proud that you have just owned your face down in the arena moment (read Brene Browne and you will understand) and once you hit the arena floor you can either lay there or get up and that is what you have done. That my friend is being a freakin warrior XOX

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