A year ago today, I was in a very different place. I’d called in sick because I was too hungover to even stand up and I was consumed with guilt – for myself, for having lied to my bosses once again and despite texting with Hubby during the day not telling him I’d failed to get myself to work. I felt awful. Full of shame and full of anxiety. Much like the most other days over more than a decade leading up to it, I felt that shame and guilt burning a hole in me, not that it felt like there was much left to burn through.
It was a shitty place to be, that’s for sure.
Today, a year on, I’m in a place that is pretty much the opposite. I feel healthy and well, I have honoured all my commitments and I’ve been productive. There is no shame, guilt or anxiety eating away at my soul. My son’s eyes are glittering and I don’t have to see the sorrow I used to see there all those times he came home and glanced at the big glass of wine on the table in front of me. At four in the afternoon. Today I get a big hug from him when I tell him what the big cake and the single ‘1’ candle I bought is for.
“I’m proud of you Mum“, he told me, “I’ll carry the cake in for you in the morning“.
What a sweetie he is. I think what he’s aiming for is the whole walking in with the cake and singing like you do on a birthday. Thank heavens for this boy of mine. There is nothing I can ever do to make up for what I put Bambino through, but at least I can show him I’m doing all I can to be the best me NOW. And always acknowledge and accept that what came before was unforgivable. The genuine happiness I see in his huge, blue, beautiful eyes now tells me I’m doing good.
Hubby has left me a gift bag that has unicorns on it. He is away with work, and to be honest not sharing tomorrow with him is the only negative I can find in the whole world right now. Sobriety has turned my world into a pretty amazing place, you see, the sort of place where dreams come true and where I can go after whatever crazy ass dream that I might have. What sobriety has shown me more than anything is that I’ve discovered that actually, all my dreams are true right in this very spot.
It’s been 364 days and I never thought I’d be able to say that tomorrow I’ll wake up to my one-year anniversary of being sober.
I’ll catch you then. Funnily enough it seems this last day of my first sober year is the one where so far the most thoughts around it all has been going through my head and I’m finding it hard to put into words what I’m feeling. There are many things – all wonderful – but there is one feeling right now that eclipses everything else: gratitude.
I can’t quite believe it’s real. Please God, always let me stay this way – sober.
Today I’m not going to drink.