Hey Jude

For anyone who knows me even a tiny bit, it won’t come a surprise when I say I am an emotional tornado. Everything I feel, I feel strongly and although sobriety has definitely balanced me out a bit (I’ve even been described as CALM in the past year which is fucking hilarious but absolutely delights me!), I do often feel stuff right from my core and out into my fingertips. Like navigating my own feelings wasn’t enough, I also soak up the mood and atmosphere around me like a sponge. I can be in THE best mood, then there’ll be the slightest twinge of yuckiness and I crash into the deepest doom. Or I can be feeling low and apprehensive and then walk into a cheery situation and immediately be lifted so high I feel delirious. Exhausting, much? Yeah.

So I’m in the process of closing an old chapter and beginning a new one. I chucked in a job that sucks the life out of me and decided it’s time to start living and do something productive with my time. Just over a week ago I walked along the high street and handed in my CV and a I’m-starting-over cover letter to a bunch of shops and cafes. I mean, the whole thing is a little bit terrifying but I felt so positive and fired up and felt in my heart that all will come good. A knot of dread did form in my chest a few times over the past week any time I allowed fear to join the party – shit, I’ve messed up here, what if I can’t get a job, and so on. I always bloody preach how anyone who wants to work can find SOMETHING quickly and make a living so long as you accept you can’t always be precious about stuff, so there was part of me that worried it might not be as easy as I thought.

Then two magical things happened. A couple of days later I received a letter through the post, handwritten in beautiful calligraphy on the sort of letter paper I used to buy sets of when I was around 12 years old and had pen pals. It was from a store owner and she thanked me for dropping in my CV. She isn’t looking for staff but wished me luck with my new chapter and finished off with “your enthusiasm will serve you well“. Stuff like this fills me with joy and further enforces my faith in humanity. The second magical thing isn’t all that magical – I did offer my services after all – but still filled me with renewed hope. The owner of a little organic cafe rang me yesterday and I’m heading over to see her this afternoon to see what hours they may be able to offer me if she thinks I’m the right person to serve coffee. In my head, I keep thinking I’ll bloody love that sort of thing and I think it’s also really cool to go into something with absolute transparency – how many times have I sat in interviews trying to make it sound like “oh yes, this is for the longhaul and in 10 years’ time I see myself heading up a department“. This is so much nicer – I’m keen to do this and know I’ll enjoy it, and it’s to bring in some cash when I pursue a new career. What a relief, eh.

So I feel really good and know I’m making the right decisions. Sober Me is quite good at that stuff, just like I’m sure most of us are better at calm and rational decisions when we’re not constantly numbed and poisoned by a liquid depressant. This is all really positive. And when I’m down there today I’m going to pop in to the other store and ask to see Jude, the talented calligrapher who sent me the lovely letter, and tell her that I’m going to keep that letter with other things I keep as memories because it was a lovely thing to receive. What I’m actually going to do is frame it because I was so inspired by it, but I won’t tell poor Jude that because she’ll think I’m bonkers. To Jude I’ll just say it was a nice gesture that didn’t go unnoticed. Paying it forward is a wonderful thing, but paying it back is good too. It’s also good to know I was right in thinking I can make it work even if it might take a while before I find the right place for me in the world. And, I think I’ll actually be quite good as a barista. Nothing better than finishing the day knowing you did a good job and took pride in what you did, whether it was to oversee a multi-million acquisition or serve someone a cup of coffee.

Who else chucked in their job without having the road mapped out? What was the deal? How did it go? Did you also swing between top-of-the-world empowered and shit-your-pants scared?

Today I’m not going to drink.

12 thoughts on “Hey Jude

  1. This is wonderful…I totally wish you good luck (little bit envious haha xx)
    I haven’t chucked in a job exactly, but I did go back to College when I was 47. I was on the college website for my daughter, actually, although I can’t recall why? but, just for interest’s sake, I had a look at the Vis Comm/Photography course and went through the application. I really didn’t intend applying, but I DID, quite unintentionally. Before I knew what had happened I’d gotten an email “Thank you for your application…”. Long story short, I got an NC in Photography and an HND in Graphic Design, graduated at 50. Best thing I ever did!

    My dream though, would be to move to Menorca, to have an whitewashed art studio in the sun, but failing that, I have considered going there anyway and getting work in a coffee shop or whatever… Maybe I need to stop dreaming and just go do it? xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • I love that! I’ll need to get some qualifications under my belt in my quest to become an addiction counsellor so I may well be clutching a graduation certificate at a similar age. Isn’t that awesome that rules can be broken and who says we can’t go to uni beyond our early 20s?

      Yessssssssssssss GO DO IT! It’s totally possible and you’ll ace it! And then I can come and see you and we can invent little traditions like “The Annual Creative Week” in your art studio and create cool stuff and discuss life. I’m going to have to calm myself down a bit, I’m getting a bit I’M ERIN BROCKOVIIIIIIIIIC here… 🙂

      xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Omg! Hahaha. I do want to, but there’s my mum and my youngest daughter and my son and…fuck, I just can’t leave here/them.

        Funnily enough, I’m just getting ready to go out to see mum, and I’m watching Mamma Mia ha! Skopelos, Menorca, Ibiza…or good old Aberdeen.

        Like

  2. I quit my stable job of 12 years to take a new job working for a bilingual school. The job I was expected to do was nothing like the job I interview for, and I hated it from day one. Add to that, the principal stood around and criticized every action anyone took all day long. When she fired *my* employee, I quit too. Like magic, I was hired part time the same day to support a non-profit and by the end of one month, it was a full time job. I worked there for a year until a job I really wanted came open and now I’m the finance manager of my county’s library system, a job I’ve wanted for a decade. Good things come to those who take action. But sometimes it takes a while for the good to reveal itself.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s awesome. And yes, the “all in good time” sentiment is what I’m trying to focus on. In other words, being content in the here and now and not just look to what may or may not be. As things stand, I feel I’m at least moving in the right direction. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. That is wonderful! I think you will enjoy it so much, I waitressed for years and talking to people was sooo interesting! and it’ll be such a nice change of pace for you, I wish you luck, but you don’t need it! you’ll be an asset to the place xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Been there, done that too! Actually I did it twice. I got my Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) license/certification after another temporary dead-end job. My thought process at the time was I could “handle” all the stress because I grew up with a Mother who was an Registered Nurse(RN) working in a nursing home. Oh, Gods I was so wrong.

    There were many nights I called my Sponsor, “I can’t do this . . . I’m going to walk out.” After a five minute phone call, I went back to work. My last day at one job was the morning of three 16 hour shifts in a row. I had enough, I didn’t call my Sponsor, I just took my badge off, handed it to the Director of Nursing(DON), turned my back and walked away. But my Higher Power had a plan.

    Without me knowing, ex-coworkers were working at another facility, heard of my departure and had a job lined up for me without even an interview. I walked in for the interview and the DON simply said, “I’ve heard plenty about you already, when would you like to start?”. I left balling my eyes out. But history repeats itself. During my employment, I relapsed because of the injustices I saw and I couldn’t fix them. My last day, a co-worker accussed me of not doing something. I gave her a piece of my unfiltered mind in front of residents, tracked down the working Supervisor, handed my badge, turned my back and left. Then on the way home my brakes on my car completely went out a block away from my house. As you can imagine, I just went off a cliff at that point.

    Yes, I was on top of the world when I wasn’t drinking. I had my own place, a nice job making a good income, out in the country . . . I had the dream life I wanted. Until I drank again and my whole world came crashing down.

    Lessons learned – many. With four months sober now, I’m looking to get back into the work force and I don’t know what to do. But I have all these options and I’m scared to take a step right or left. What if its the wrong decision, again? But the more I talk to people about it (Sponsor, professionals and friends), I may just get my Registered Nursing license. I’ll have more news on that next week.

    Meanwhile, both employers are on my 4th step inventory list – MAJOR resentments! But I also acknowledge the part I played. So when the time comes my Sponsor and I will discuss it to develop a plan of action.

    Today, like you, I don’t have to drink!

    P.S. Sorry for such a long comment!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I very much relate to this – when my son was a year old i chucked in my job as a lawyer with a firm and set up my own legal practice working from home in a niche area of law. I was the breadwinner in our family and we had a mortgage but i was missing my son so much being at work all day so i was determined to make it work. This was in my drinking days and i went at it like a true alcoholic. Amazingly it worked out but after two years i was too exhausted to go on and i wound it up and took my files to another firm. but it gave me 2 years with my son so it was worth it – jump and then grow wings as they say!

    Liked by 1 person

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