Sometimes I get a little sick of myself and feel like telling me to just shut up already. Like with sobriety. OK, OK, Anna is sober, hip-hip-hooray. Next! Do you know what I mean? It’s like I sometimes feel I just need to chill out a bit and not make everything about sobriety, but perhaps I’m still in the honeymoon phase where I’m still discovering the magic of being sober.
What I ended up thinking about this morning was how my mind works. Obviously – yes, OBVIOUSLY – I’m a much better version of me when I’m sober as opposed to drunk, that goes without saying, but I do notice how some things seem to be very deeply ingrained in me. It was Feeling (find the blog HERE) who once in comments pointed out that what addicts often have in common is an inability to be content with WHAT IS. So I interpret this to mean that no matter how we feel, we find it hard to just remain in that spot. If it’s pain we feel, we try to get away from it and if it’s joy we try to chase another level of it – because right where we stand is either shitty or not enough. At first I felt that didn’t quite apply to me, I didn’t immediately see any truth in it for me personally as I almost always saw alcohol as something that enhanced life rather than took me away from it. Seems a bit silly now, really! I could see the connection if you’re someone who drinks like the saying goes: to drown our sorrows.
But it’s true! And it was one of those lightbulb moments for me when I actually understood what it meant and what Feeling was putting across to me. The question I had to ask myself was why I’d need to move on from a happy place? Any time I’ve felt triggered has been when I’ve been in a fantastic mood – happy, excited or similar. I’ve never felt compelled to drink when I’ve felt down. In fact the most miserable time of my life was the time period I hardly drank at all. Still, it’s the same principle – drinking to enhance is still drinking to move away or on from WHAT IS. Why not just be content right there?
Observing my own thoughts is interesting because I can really see this in myself now. When I think about life, I very rarely just think about the here and now. I think about what’s ahead and I think I’ve done that my whole life. It seems my whole existence has been geared towards tomorrow, not today. Today has only ever been something that happens before the Real Thing. I caught myself in those thoughts as I was having my coffee this morning – I got up early with Hubby who was catching a flight to Italy and therefore had some extra moments of peace and quiet to myself. I was thinking about life, but I was thinking not of right now but about six months down the line so I had to kind of rein myself in a little and tried instead to focus on this very spot I find myself in THIS moment. Jobless. In a bit of limbo. Things still a bit unclear and there’s a whole lot of the unknown. The bit where I work my notice before I can move on. OK, so it sounds a bit dull when you put it that way – and actually, it IS dull – but this is really a time to really FEEL! Here and now, as scary and daunting as I find it, is actually a really exciting point in my life.
It’s exciting because it’s a new chapter and yes, I can’t wait to see how life will unfold, but this little bit right here is actually a right little gem! Like being on the plane, boarded and ready to go, full of excitement! I like it here and actually when I think about it, it’s almost the most exciting bit about a holiday – when you’re about to go, whether it’s the night before after packing your bags and having ordered the taxi to the airport or when you’re sitting on the plane before take-off.
So I do try to focus on just being in the moment and appreciate things for what they are. If I ever get that urge to chase a high, I try to slow myself down and honestly look at what it is that makes me want to go higher. Why is high not high enough?
Oh God, this is just a load of random waffle, but hey – this is my blog, I set out to always be brutally honest and this went through my head today.
Today I’m not going to drink.