In This Space

Posted at 4:11 pm by annastk76, on August 7, 2019

Today is a day off. Worked Monday but then two days off ahead of Thursday and Friday. A slow and leisurely week by any standard. And here is another reward of sobriety – even a day like today when I’ve been fairly unproductive, if you compare it to when I was drinking it’s been positively hectic. A day off these days isn’t another day I’ve called in sick because I’m too fucked to stand up. A day off now is a day when I wake full of energy and get out for a long walk or a run, make breakfast and then lunch for a trio of teenagers (one mine, two borrowed), do some writing and generally do what days off are for: recharging my batteries. A day off is no longer a drawn-out panic attack during which I worry I might have a seizure or my heart will pack in. Instead it’s time to pay attention to self care and what needs to be done at home. No palpitations, no shakes, no regret, no shame – just inner peace and contentment.

Really, it’s a bog standard day. Nothing spectacular. No major achievements. But no disasters either. Just… ….life as life sometimes is, perhaps even a little boring.

It’s in this space I’m learning to love to be. This space where I feel content even when the world around me isn’t full of fireworks or unspeakable doom. Just life the way it is when not very much happens at all. I like it. Apart from a long walk and acting as a chef and waitress for the three teens, I’ve done fuck-all. I’ve mostly been reading random stuff on my phone, watched some TV and read a book. Prepared for my packed lunches. I’ve been a total couch potato, actually, and that’s cool. Haven’t even showered yet.

…and that’s cool. It’s perfectly acceptable to slow down sometimes and not do anything at all. Well, I think it is anyway.

I was going to take a photo of my feet on the opposite armrest of the sofa, but I need a pedicure and also the sofa cushion has a stain, I realise now, and I’m too shallow to TRULY show what a slob I am today. I’m not one for Instagram-filtering my world but I do have SOME standards.

Today I’m not going to drink.