“Oh my God, do you think perhaps you could push them all into your gob at once?” I shrieked with thinly veiled disdain at Hubby, who kept munching New Zealand treats his parents had sent to us, “can you not just have a little bit and save some to enjoy tomorrow?” I added righteously.
Read that again.
Yes, that’s what I – the addict – asked another human being.
“Jesus! I just heard what I said!” I exclaimed in disbelief and clamped both hands over my mouth as I realised I was being a massive twat.
Hubby’s eyes glittered in amusement as he happily chomped away on a mouthful of Pineapple Lumps.
“Yeah, imagine,” he replied gleefully as he hurriedly chewed to respond unhindered by a huge mass of sweets in his mouth, “Anna, why not just have a glass and leave some wine to enjoy tomorrow! Why can’t you just stop!”
“Fuckinell, I can’t believe I said that,” I giggled, still with both hands covering my face.
No really – I didn’t just say it, I really, really MEANT it. I was actually annoyed at how greedy Hubby can be and how he’s like a vacuum cleaner when it comes to sweets and any other treats – he polishes off everything in sight. I, on the other hand, am quite happy to have a handful, then leave it all untouched on days on end and happily know it’ll last longer. Plus I don’t want a stomach ache. It’s literally the opposite to how I am with booze. Is this what drinking is like for you normies? Must be. So weird. But anyway, what a hypocrite, eh! It was just too funny how I can get all high and mighty about… …oh my God, I don’t even want to say it…. …MODERATION, of all things. What the hell is wrong with me?! Of all the things I could choose to preach, surely that’s the area where I’ve been well and truly disqualified, no? Jeez.
This slightly schizo trait in me is quite pronounced, actually. I get annoyed and have no understanding whatsoever for poor Hubby finding it hard to leave sweets alone, yet I’m a big fat addict and nearly killed myself because of that one thing I seemingly cannot do when it comes to drink: stop and leave some for another time. I’m so unreasonable! No, really, I am. As in, I’m a complete arsehole sometimes.
Take the counselling course. I get unbelievably anxious sometimes talking in front of other people, yet I get all impatient and prickly when other people get nervous about exams and essays (both things I freaking love as both are well within my comfort zone and the academic ground upon which I’ve always moved with relative ease). What’s that about? Obviously I don’t voice these bristly and idiotic thoughts with the group, but I genuinely sat there after the exam willing them all to shut up and get on with it. Many of them hadn’t managed to finish whereas I was done well ahead of time because I’d written so much there was no more space. There was not one thing I found stressful or difficult about it, and I found it hard to emphasise with how the others might. This is a shitty trait to have! And it’s the same thing – I have my own areas of weakness (anxiety in some situations and I’m an addict who couldn’t control my drinking) yet I have to really try hard to be patient with other people when it comes to their not-so-strong areas. Especially when their weak areas are my own strong ones. What a shitbag I can be! Boo.
Anyway. Thought it was funny. So did Hubby, despite being verbally attacked by Little Miss Loony Tunes here. Oh my goodness, it’s still making me cringe and I really don’t want to tell you about it – writing this really has me trapped between wanting to look good and honouring my vow to always be honest. Plus I wanted to amuse you and that won me over. It’s how I roll now – as much as I want to be liked, I won’t compromise on who I am anymore. If I look stupid, so be it.
Much work to do when it comes to myself and my behaviour. Much work indeed. It’s an interesting journey, no doubt about that.
When have you acted like an arsehole lately? I need to know I’m in good company.
Today I’m not going to drink.