Yep, this may very well turn into a really boring blog – not that I’m saying it was super interesting to begin with, just that if I am to write every day as opposed to when I really have something to say… ..well, I don’t want this to be the place where I account for the weather in London or how my evening run went and felt. As it happens, it’s been pretty grey today and my run was shit. Ran with Hubby and on the home stretch I just gave up for no real reason. Hubby kept on and I was going to walk, but then pulled myself together and ran an extra little loop. The obsessive compulsive side of me doesn’t want to think of this as A run as there was half a minute of me walking there towards the end, but if I ignore that I did the 5k minimum which is sort of my benchmark now. Closer to six actually. Scraping the barrel here, as you can see, and yes, I’m just writing for the sake of it.
But still clean and sober and that’s still a goddamn miracle every single day. Like now, for example, another prime instance of when drinking would make everything really shit. One of the essays is due on Tuesday and there’s been silly amounts of confusion around what we’re meant to be doing. Nope, not just me being stressy – everyone seems to have been in a right old flap about it. And I guess I was in a pretty bad mood today given an episode of Bambino being a wayward teenager this weekend too. If I was still drinking all this would equate to an absolute horror show. Well, I’d probably be dead for starters and that’d DEFINITELY be shit. For me, anyway. But failing death, I’d be beside myself with anxiety, dread and despair because that’s what booze does to me. Oh, it’s not unique for me – it’s a freaking depressant so that bit is actually really predictable. What I’m saying is, I’m stressed about an essay that’s become way more complicated than it needs to be and angry and upset with Bambino with accompanying doubts as to my ability (or lack thereof, rather) as a parent.
Point is, I can deal with bumps in the road when I’m not destroyed by Chateau Blotto. Whatever might be going on in my life – happy or sad or mad or bad – alcohol makes it worse. Happy gets less happy and sad/mad/bad becomes unbearably hard to deal with. Sober, life still gets a bit meh sometimes and sometimes there’s stress or what have you, but I can deal with it and it always passes. Tuesday will come and go and the essay related stress will end with it. Bambino will be OK too. Had I still been drinking (and alive), the essay wouldn’t happen at all because I wouldn’t be able to do the course in the first place and poor Bambino wouldn’t have a mother capable of calmly navigating rough patches. So yes, on balance I guess I’m living life – and mostly my best one – on life’s terms and I can handle it. No running or hiding. Bring it.
As for boring – sometimes life is that way too. And that’s OK.
Today I’m not going to drink.