Two days short of two years sober, I can definitely say this: these days, I am a pretty calm creature. People have actually said this – Hubby, for example, said it quite early on when I got sober and others have too. It’s always made me chuckle because it used to be so far removed from how I perceive myself and who I consider myself to be. But from chaos came a sense of inner peace and today I really felt it. In fact, I almost felt like I should have been LESS calm. It’s a good place to be.
A very rubbish situation around the counselling course had many feeling upset. All of us are pissed off, with some people angrier perhaps and one person in particular ended up in a shitty position that had me feeling really sick. It was outrageous, actually. So there is absolutely no denying that negative feelings are valid. More than valid. But whilst I am seriously unimpressed with aforementioned Rubbish Situation, I’m feeling quite calm about it. Sure, part of that may be that I’m not very good at facing negative emotion and therefore perhaps wearing my rose tinted glasses as I view the world as usual. Another part is perhaps a smidge of arrogance, thinking I’ve got this in the bag – I hate saying it, but I’m feeling pretty confident. The third part may just be… …that I’m not so easily rattled these days and know in my heart that even if I get knocked back, I’ll just get back up and find another way. Sure, that’d dent my confidence and I know I’d be devastated, but even so – it doesn’t worry me all that much.
It could be that readjusting my course of action is easier than it might be for others in terms of commitments and other arrangements. That might also be a part of it. But I absolutely am hugely invested and would feel massively disappointed… ..no, make that GUTTED, should this not work out the way I have my heart set on.
Still. I feel quite at peace with it.
And that’s just it. I think I might just have cracked this lil’ beauty of a slogan that so often gets thrown about in recovery circles: LIVE LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS. I’m living it exactly that way! And woman, that feels good!
I fully acknowledge stumbling will really hurt if I do. I fully accept that and it doesn’t stop me. I keep going. And I will continue to do so. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I know full well it’ll be an utter, total and heartbreaking (yes – HEARTBREAKING!) pile of fuckery of the highest order if it doesn’t go my way. But that’s OK. I can handle it and I’ll find a way.
Damn, that’s a lovely way to face life. I can handle SHIT! Real, horrible, stinking shit.
I can handle shit because of one little promise I make to myself every single day, one day at a time. Hell, in the beginning it was by one fucking hour at a time! Now, however, it’s not a difficult vow to make. It’s something that’s easy, natural, magical and freeing. It makes my heart sing. Every. Single. Time. It’s beautiful in its simplicity and my life is staggeringly wonderful because of it. A little promise consisting of seven little words. (I know you’re going to count them, by the way, and I will judge you if you think it’s six words. If you do, we can’t be friends. I’m at least half serious. Sorry, not sorry). Seven little words that have changed my life, that I tell myself every day because I am worth it.
These seven words are as simple as a pine cone, yet as hopeful as a lottery ticket:
Today I’m not going to drink.