819 days sober and the UK is still in lockdown. Victories today are my sobriety, managing to run in the mornings instead of the evenings and writing LOTS. The morning runs was a tip from The Sober Racoon Returns as my sleep has been a bit meh lately. For some reason I don’t seem to have the same energy in the morning, which has always irritated me massively because mornings are freaking MADE for running! But it’s been OK and so I hope this continues and will also see if it has any impact on my sleep. Nothing yet, as I seem to be lying awake for ages before drifting off to sleep, but I shall persevere. It does drive me nuts, because sleep was my first recovery reward and probably the thing I’ve loved the most alongside of course the magic of morning coffee. Maybe it’s just a patch. The world is upside down, after all, and perhaps that’s why my mind takes longer to slow down at bedtime.
Despite the strange times we are living in, life is good on Planet Anna. How could it not be – I’m sober! But even so. Sometimes the days drag a little, but I’m writing like a demon and for the first time it’s not like it used to me any time I approached my dream of writing a book and had to force myself – right now the words are flowing like an unstoppable torrent. Maybe I finally have a story I really want to tell? I revised my target because I’m churning it out at such speed. I initially aimed for 80,000 words as a bit of a goal, but I’m on 50,000 after just over two weeks so have adjusted it to 100,000. Once I get to that, there’ll be plenty to look back over and see what’s missing, what can be scrapped and whether what I have can be whipped into some sort of shape. Whatever happens beyond that isn’t important yet.
No, honestly – I mean it! And I think it’s because suddenly I’m writing like I’m living in recovery: in the moment!
I’m enjoying WRITING. I’m enjoying the journey. I love my little routine these days:
- Wake up and not have a hangover – HALLELUJAH! This never gets old!!
- Enjoy two or three mugs of glorious, glorious coffee. Heaven.
- Go for a run in the park. Bliss!
- Shower – AND STAND UP, NOT CROUCH! Fucking awesomeness on a grand scale!
- Write for two hours and love the process!
And that’s what I realised yesterday when I revised my target word count and started to wonder “what then?“. I actually felt a little sad at the thought, because it’s the writing of the story that I’m loving. It’s finding the right words and stringing them into sentences to show all the things I want to show, say all the things I’ve thought about, wondered about, mused about and the few answers I may have landed at. It’s the moment I am loving, not where it’ll necessarily lead. And that’s all I need. Tomorrow is still a mystery and I like it that way.
Sure, I’m writing because I hope that maybe one day I can do something with it – it’d be silly to pretend otherwise, but unlike before I’ve in recovery learnt to enjoy the journey as much as I look forward to the destination. Turns out it really is the best bit.
Before recovery, in the dark days of active addiction, life was all about tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll do this. Tomorrow I’ll stop. Tomorrow I’ll start [insert whatever failed project here]……..
Recovery is about this moment. It’s all I have. Now. The next right thing, right now.
Today I’m not going to drink.