The weirdest thing happened the other night – I had a drinking dream. It’s been a long time since I had one. This one was different and I can’t quite figure out what it’s trying to tell me.
Early on in recovery – say, the first six months or so – I had two or three drinking dreams that were all the same. I dreamt that I was already drinking, that is, when I “came into” the dream it was already too late: I was already on the sauce. These dreams triggered that horrible, old feeling of powerlessness and sorrow. I was done for, doomed and there was no way out. I was trapped. In these dreams I had no choice. When I woke up, the feeling of the dream was so strong that I carried it with me to the point where for the first few moments upon waking it seemed real. I could physically feel the hangover. Then, I’d realise it was just a dream and I was still sober and the world was still as it should be, and it filled me with a renewed sense of gratitude. Thank GOD I don’t have to do that anymore!
A little further ahead, I had another drinking dream. At a guess, this was perhaps about a year in but I can’t actually remember. All I know it was, until a couple of days ago, my most recent one. In this one, I was in the supermarket and in the alcohol aisle. I was looking at wine bottles and was holding one in my hand, reading the label, choosing which wine to get. And then suddenly in the dream itself, I realised “oh shit, that’s right! I don’t have to do this anymore!” and put the bottle back on the shelf. Waking up from that dream felt good. It felt like a little sign that I was on more solid ground, although I have never and still don’t want to ever lose sight of the devastation that would be put into motion if I were to fall back.
For a long time now, I’ve not had any of these “wet dreams”, as I like to think of them.
Until a couple of days ago.
This one was super weird. Hubby and I were in New Zealand and in a beach bach. ‘Bach’ is pronounced ‘batch’ and is what they call their beach houses. Anyway, in the dream it was early in the day and I became aware that there was a shot glass containing clear liquid. It was alcohol and the glass was mine – that was the sense I got anyway. I’d poured it, I’d made that decision and I was super aware and embarrassed that people might notice that I shouldn’t start drinking so early in the day. A flashback, I suppose, to my drinking days – the constant fight to plan, facilitate and conceal my drinking. It was super shitty of course but mostly just really weird. First off, I never drank vodka or shots or anything like that, it was always wine. Second, as opposed to those earliest wet dreams, there was no sense of whether I’d already started or if I still had a choice. Those first dreams were horrible for that very reason, you see – my choice was already taken away from me, I’d already been drinking so all was lost. In this one I couldn’t tell.
I didn’t wake up feeling dreadful, just curious really as to what it was trying to tell me. I mean, sure, it gave me a snapshot of how awful it was to drink, no doubt about that, but it didn’t result in any thank-God-it’s-not-real moment of any great proportions. Yep, I still feel enormously grateful, every bit as much as I did a year ago, two years ago and even two weeks after getting sober. This dream, however, just left me a little baffled. No, it’s not playing hugely on my mind or anything like that and it doesn’t make me doubt anything. In many ways it does just do what the previous ones did – it just underlines how shitty my drinking life was – but it also seemed so odd. It never came to anything, it was just us pottering about in the bach waiting for the day to really start and the presence of that shot glass that was definitely mine but that I wasn’t sure what to do with. It was sort of mine and I was going to drink it. Or was I? It wasn’t clear. It was just there.
Oh, it’s not important, it just made me wonder and it stands out because it’s the first time in a long time that I dream about booze.
Beyond this, I’m in a shitty mood today – not brought on by the above dream, by the way – which is rubbish as I have the counselling course and don’t at all feel like I’m in the right frame of mind. We have fishbowls all day today, which means we’re doing observed skills practice and with fellow students acting the client or counsellor. It isn’t something I find easy to do on the best of days mostly because I can’t freaking bear being the centre of attention no matter how low key, but today I really don’t feel ready for it. Over video conference as we’re obviously in the midst of this pandemic still, but whilst that does make the centre of attention thing a little more bearable, it makes it harder in lots of other ways.
Ah well. Face the fear and do it anyway. Do the next right thing. This too shall pass. One day at a time and if today’s a crappy one, tomorrow is still a mystery and I know that no matter what the universe throws my way I can handle it. What’s one little shitty day? It’s just one day. And I’ll face it head on. I won’t run away and I won’t hide either. Bring it!
Today I’m not going to drink.
Storm in a Wine Glass 
12 thoughts on “Wet Dreams and Fishbowls”
Lovie Price
that is so weird..i had my very 1st drinking dream this week..after 16 months . In mine i had already taken a sleeping pill and ‘apparently’ drank my fill of beer..i was wandering around at some house party and started to drink of some type of liquor, and suddenly realized..omg, i am not supposed to be drinking and i took that pill! I started panicking that i would probably die of an over dose and then woke up. Now, even when i did drink it was liquor since my 20’s &30’s( but rarely) and wine in my 40’s ( which got so bad i switched to beer when i turned about 50. But even when i did drink i never mixed it with pills..always too scared of that..so very strange that my first dream would encompass all of that. Anyway, all this time i wondered why everyone talked about these dreams and i never had one…i guess it took extreme stress to bring it on for me.
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annastk76
Interesting… I had those few in the first year but it’s been so long since the last one that I was quite surprised by this one, plus it was very different in so many ways. The image of that shot glass is so, so clear and it was such a presence in the dream, so central to it despite it not being clear whether I was in trouble or not. I guess I’m thinking of it as I have with the others – that it’s my brain just saying “hey, remember how shitty this was, just want to make sure you don’t forget”, as in a kind way to keep me from forgetting the hell I escaped.
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annastk76
I like that. I also think of it as a rather nice gesture, as horrible as the feeling is – my brain just checking I don’t lose sight of the power of the Beast and how grateful I am/should be that I am sober. 🙂
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Ray
The early dreams you describe are what I call guilt dreams. You were already drinking again, no choice presented in the dream and you felt all the guilt associated. This one with a clear and vivid image of the shot glass sitting there, I believe this is the monkey showing himself. He is still available. He is declaring for you.He sits boldly,presenting a shot glass of hard liquor. not wine, your former love. Perhaps the beast is upping the anti ? This illustrates perfectly the quote we all know. “You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never leaves town” This should be looked at as a challenge, a time to strengthen your resolve. I welcome such visits, complacency is very dangerous.
Ray
Annapolis Md U.S.A
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annastk76
I agree – I have thought of it that way before too with previous dreams, my brain reminding me of what hell feels like and warning me not to take my eye off the ball. Or stop keeping an eye on the cage where the Beast is sitting pretty as it has no lock.. Bit ominous but I do agree with you that this is a good way of thinking about it.
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bgddyjim
Something like that I’d put to the brain taking out the garbage.
That is a weird one, too.
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gr8ful_collette
Drinking dreams are weird… it seems like most of us have them at some point. I had them in the beginning then not for a long time and recently have had quite a few. I’m always so relieved to realize they are only dreams! 💕
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annastk76
Aren’t they! And that sounds similar to me with a few of them in the first year and then nothing for such a long time. The relief on waking up to realise it’s just a shitty dream is so intense, I agree. xx
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clairei47
Drinking dreams are strange but the book I’m reading on sleep suggests that it’s all important and just our brain doing the thing it should be doing. Thank goodness they aren’t real is all I can say. I’m having a few shitty days too. Nothing in particular, just not in a great mood and finding it tough to g myself up! Nice to read a post of yours though xxx
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annastk76
True. I think it happens for a reason and sobriety has me listening to my emotions and dreams more attentively. Sorry you’re not in a great mood, hope you feel perkier soon. My little meh-dip passed and I’m feeling fairly solid again, as in good about where things are headed and trying to have more faith in myself. If there’s one thing I’ve discovered over the past year is how the biggest bully I’ve ever come up against is ME. Gosh, I’m so harsh and hard on myself and beat myself up so much. Thank God I got sober and can now keep working on balance and finding peace. Hope you’re OK. How’s the running? I’m just back from a 6k run and feeling good as I always do when I’ve been out. So HOT though – I sweat like a mad thing on a cold day but hey ho! The open parts of the park when you have the sun beating down on you mercilessly was a hard slog and I was beetroot red when I got back, but again – I feel freaking amazing now! Hope your shitty few days have passed just like mine did. xxx
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clairei47
I’m big on bullying myself!!! I’m getting there. Been walking more than running and have done daily yoga which I started about 10 days ago. Need to find that running mojo again. I checked in the biscuit tin last night but it wasn’t there!! Xxx
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annastk76
Hahaha! I’ve spent a huge chunk of my life looking for my mojo in the wrong places! I’d say the biscuit tin is fair game though! 😂👍👍👍❤️
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