I think I’m at that stage I was sort of fearful of before: sobriety is no longer this huge, new thing. It’s literally become as normal as anything else in my life. Like breathing. Like getting up in the morning. Like having coffee. Like putting my shoes on.
This isn’t a negative thing, I get that – in fact it’s that elusive, perfect thing I never thought would be possible. I never thought it would be possible to live life sober without it being on the forefront of my mind. Before I got sober, I thought it would require effort. Or struggle, rather. That was never the case. No, the first days, weeks and even months, weren’t exactly easy, but never was it a case of oh ehm gee this is awful. So sobriety was for the first couple of years instead this OH MY GOD LIFE IS FUCKING AWESOME thing, but very much at the forefront of my mind pretty much constantly.
And now… …it isn’t.
I guess what scared me about losing that OH MY GOD LIFE IS FUCKING AWESOME feeling, was the idea that I in that case might lose sight of what sobriety has really meant for me (getting this awesome life back), and eventually falling back into the darkness of active addiction. Aka death in slow motion. Or rather, Russian roulette death, given it’s no exaggeration to say the way I was going any one occasion could have spelt the end. Honestly, I know I’ve said it before, but I don’t actually understand how I’m even here – the amount of Sauvignon Blanc I put away was enough to kill a horse. In fact, I reckon it was enough to kill a goddamn T-rex.
So here we are and I’m sober and I don’t give it much thought at all. Dangerous ground? Nah, I don’t think so, because it’d appear that, so far at least, the one thing that hasn’t faded in the slightest is that I just don’t see any point in drinking. As in – I think of drinking and I shudder. The earth is round and Anna can’t drink alcohol. More than that, there is no benefit to Anna drinking alcohol. I don’t want to. See, this was the thought that always worried me somewhat – so long as this is how I feel, then great, but what about if my brain did a number on me and suddenly there it is again, the desire? Well, I guess we can never predict the future, but I can honestly tell you on all that is holy including Bambino’s life, that drinking holds about the same appeal as jumping off a cliff. The two aren’t all that dissimilar anyway.
Now in the final year of the counselling studies, or at least the three years that’ll see me qualified (all going well). I’m sure I’ll continue to build and study further, but it’s a good feeling to begin to see that precious diploma there on the horizon. Still this whole academic year to go but I’m feeling good about where I’m finding myself about now – almost on double the clinical hours I need to qualify and all assignments passed without any “action points”. Have also changed groups so I’m in a new crowd of people – danger, danger! – but the set-up is different (evening classes and the occasional Saturday) and suits me much better. Even the idea of presentations and fishbowls (sessions with a peer in front of the class) doesn’t bother me. Correction: OK, it bothers me, I fucking HATE being the centre of attention, but I don’t feel terrified like I used to. I feel super nervous. Just not paralysed. Nice, eh?
We’re in the process of moving too. We have a buyer for our apartment and considering two houses we have viewed. It’s been a frustrating and anxiety filled ride – back in June we thought it was all systems go but then the chain broke so it was back to the drawing board. Now we’re set again with a buyer, but the house we wanted may be gone. The good thing is that the market appears to have gone absolutely mental, so houses pop up all the time that are both exciting AND within budget, so we’re feeling pretty good about it all.
Anna good. Hubby good. Bonus sons good. Bambino… …TEENAGER. Gosh, he delights and terrifies me in equal measures, but I guess the bottom line is he is a good kid. A pretty normal teenager, who does exactly what teenagers should do: push boundaries. He does this with gusto, and in the process a lot of my buttons. And as much as he sometimes drives me to the brink of my sanity (not that far a distance, to be fair), I wouldn’t change a thing.
What a boring update.
Well. I mean, what types of TV programmes do I like? True crime documentaries any day of the week, dark stories about the dark side of the mind. Imagine trying to watch something where everything is just fucking nicey-nicey all the time, how dull wouldn’t that be? So I guess a boring blog post is a good thing, from that perspective. It doesn’t mean life is perfect, it sure as hell isn’t and I wouldn’t particularly want to relive last weekend with Bambino and his latest stunt, but in the grand scheme of things I have exactly what I want: a perfectly normal life with the perfectly normal mixture of highs and lows, all of which I can handle because I’m in a good place. A sober place. That fills me with gratitude.
Hm, see, it is at the forefront after all. Perhaps not in my thoughts, but certainly all around me always.
Today is a good day.
Today I’m not going to drink.