Sober Me: Hey!
Drunk Me: Hi. You OK?
Sober Me: I’m good. How are you though? You seem quite spaced out, are you struggling today?
Drunk Me: Same old. It’s at that worst time of the day when I feel especially ropey, just need to hold out until mid-afternoon when it usually eases a little. Dying to pee but don’t trust my legs to carry me to the toilet and I’m shaking too much to type so just sitting here staring at the computer screen really and hoping no one will initiate any conversation.
Sober Me: I forget how bad things are for you.
Drunk Me: Doesn’t matter. Just need to get to 2-ish and it’ll hopefully taper off a bit. Sometimes it gets worse, I’ve had some hairy moments driving home recently.
Sober Me: Did you drive this morning?
Drunk Me: Yup.
Sober Me: Taking Bambino to school too?
Drunk Me: Don’t…
Sober Me: I forget how much your heart breaks every single day. How are you coping?
Drunk Me: It’s not so bad.
Sober Me: Not so bad? It sounds pretty nightmarish to me.
Drunk Me: Moving on. How are you?
Sober Me: Sad for you now.
Drunk Me: Oh stop.
Sober Me: I am.
Drunk Me: Can we talk about something else now? It’s no big deal.
Sober Me: Alright.
Drunk Me: So how’s things?
Sober Me: Sober 1,381 days today.
Drunk Me: Fucking hell! That’s insane! Are you not bored?
Sober Me: What do you mean? Why would I be bored?
Drunk Me: I mean… What do you do?
Sober Me: All those things you would like to do.
Drunk Me: You’re wrong. I don’t want to be sober all the time. Haha, that’s the opposite of what I want to do! Imagine!
Sober Me: Very funny. No, I mean the things you’ve had to give up.
Drunk Me: I have everything I want.
Sober Me: Oh really?
Drunk Me: Yes, really.
Sober Me: Great. Well, then tell me about some writing you’ve done lately? And any half marathons booked in? Are you in a job that fulfils and challenges you? And I hate to upset you by asking, but when can you honestly say you were truly present with your son, your husband, family or friends? Or at work for that matter. Even now, are you present right here?
Drunk Me: Oh Jesus – you sound like a hippie with your in the moment talk. What’s next? Mindfulness or greeting the sunrise?
Sober Me: Well. On that score, do you ever take a moment to enjoy the sunrise?
Drunk Me: Oh spare me. It just sounds so dull, that’s all. All you are basically saying, really, is do exactly what I’m doing now but never drink. There’s no difference except life would get fucking boring.
Sober Me: I’m not bored.
Drunk Me: Maybe not, but your chat is. I’m bored by you.
Sober Me: Bored or irritated because I’m hitting a nerve?
Drunk Me: Nothing more irritating than someone taking your reaction and twisting it to be something that illustrates their point. You’re wrong, sorry.
Sober Me: OK. You’re happy. Yet here we are and it’s a Thursday morning and you barely got yourself to work and just clinging on to getting through the day.
Drunk Me: Look. I know I could do more than I am. I know I have – or had, at least – some potential to be a better version than what I’ve turned into. I’m just not there yet.
Sober Me: Where?
Drunk Me: At a stage where I can figure it all out.
Sober Me: So what stage are you at?
Drunk Me: Not a great one.
Sober Me: And what stands between this and the stage you’re referring to, the one where you can figure it all out?
Drunk Me: I guess working out how to drink in moderation.
Sober Me: Tell me about a time when you could.
Drunk Me: *scrunches up nose*
Sober Me: Do you have any indication from past experience that this is possible?
Drunk Me: Well, yeah, here’s x, y and z occasions when I didn’t wreck myself! See!!
Sober Me: Three occasions. Out of how many? Over a decade of cruising at an altitude of 2-3 bottles of wine per night and writing notes to yourself because you don’t know the lunatic you turn into in blackout?
Drunk Me: But it shows I can.
Sober Me: So if you can, why don’t you? Why, if you can drink in moderation… don’t you just drink in moderation?
Drunk Me: I’ll sort it some other time.
Sober Me: Why another time?
Drunk Me: Because it’s hard work and life will get dull. Dahr.
Sober Me: My life is anything but dull.
Drunk Me: Oh yeah? Pray tell. What’s the wildest thing you did recently?
Sober Me: I did a 10K run this morning. And over the past year I’ve done fishbowls on the counselling course and also a half day workshop presentation. And Bambino and I have had some tough times but I’m solidly there for him and actually being a kickass great mum. I’m becoming a really good version of me! And that’s wild because I didn’t think it was possible.
Drunk Me: You actually speak up in front of people? An actual presentation? A presentation presentation?
Sober Me: An actual fucking presentation. No joke. Me! I did that.
Drunk Me: Well, OK, that all sounds really great so good for you, but hardly wild, is it? But OK, the presentation thing is pretty cool, I know you never thought you could do that and here you are. Impressive. Whoop-dee-do.
Sober Me: Thank you. Point is though, these things may all seem mundane but the joy and freedom I feel at just being alive is WILD!
Drunk Me: I wish I could feel that way.
Sober Me: My darling girl, you can. I promise you. It’s all there waiting for you.
Drunk Me: I doubt it.
Sober Me: I know, but please trust me.
Drunk Me: It seems too huge. I don’t know where to start.
Sober Me: That little spark will ignite.
Drunk Me: What spark? Motivation?
Sober Me: Hope.